Continuation

The problem with new beginnings is that it automatically implies an ending. Not much has changed about me since I was that little girl skipping to School #5 in Baltimore, Maryland. I am the same little girl, only larger and better informed. Yesterday as I was trying to explain the concept of infinity to my son, I realized that I still think many of the same thoughts, such as wondering how language came to be and if infinity truly is the largest number. How does one approach negative infinity? Despite my many years of formal education and so-called superior intellect, I fell back on the same explanation my oldest brother gave to me when I was a mere seven ... "think of the largest number you can think of and then add one".

To me infinity will always be "plus one". So, I don't do new beginnings because I can't let go of who I was yesterday in order to become who I want to be tomorrow.

Every time I say I'm going to change, my husband laughs, as I can only imagine that God also chuckles, if only just a wee bit. I say I'm going to be kinder, more compassionate, and less intolerant but that usually lasts less than a fleeting instant. I don't think I'm mean, but I know I am not kind. My mind doesn't see what my heart should feel. Being me, I've read several books on the subject and I can probably explain how the symphony in my brain has a conductor that can't quite seem to get all the instruments to play together, but you would have had to have read the book to know what I am talking about. I could explain how my neurons misfire in such a manner that I'm missing that pause between "think" and "do", but unless you are well verses in impulsivity, you'll just think it's Karen rambling on again. Instead, suffice it to say that I'm tired of trying to rewire my brain. As much as I enjoyed biofeedback, e-stem, psychological counseling, and other attempts to mold me into society definition of "normal", I'm not going to change.

If I were to change, who is to say it would be in a positive direction?