Miracles

I started believing in miracles when I was a little girl and pondered under a tree. I was a rather arrogant child quite confident in my thinking abilities and I felt I could explain almost everything in the universe, everything except the tree. I remember clearly still how I thought if I would have created the world I surely would have thought of the birds and bees, the fish and other mammals, and all the elements known and unknown, but I could not imagine that I would have imagined a tree. I love trees and I am glad I did not create the world, for in my world there would be no trees. To me, the tree is a miracle. I can’t see a tree without knowing in my heart that anything and everything is possible.

October 1979. My father was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. His doctors thought his cancer was too advanced and sent him home to die. My mother sent him back. She told them she had three children in college and one in catholic school so she could not lose her husband just yet. One hundred eleven (111) days later, and with over seventy (70) hours worth of surgery behind him, my father came home a small, emaciated man. Within a year, he was back up to 200 pounds.

When my father was very ill I stopped in a Catholic church to pray which was quite the miracle in and of itself for I am not Catholic, despite my Mom’s best efforts and intentions. I stopped to pray for my Dad and my father’s mother, who had been dead six years at this time, came to visit me and simply said,

“He’s going to be alright.”

The interesting thing is that I did not question whether or not my grandmother’s spirit came to visit me; I simply believed she came to visit me and I believed what she had to say, so I stopped worrying. When I later shared this story with my Mother she remarked,

“Wootsie (for that is what we called her) wouldn’t be caught dead in a Catholic Church.”

My Intentions

I'm trying to take Dr. Wayne W. Dyer’s challenge and turn my intentions into my reality. As with everything I do, I have to over think this. You would think by now that with all my thinking I would become good at it, but alas, such is not the case. If anything, the more I think, the less my thoughts make any sense, at least to me anyway.

WEEK 1: Connecting to Intention
So here I am at the very beginning of the challenge stuck at the gate. In order for my intentions to become reality, I have to actually INTEND something. What are my intentions?

I figure I may as well start with the Note for some good ideas. Sounds reasonable, right? Big mistake. I tried to read through the 1,448 comments that were made to his note, but like many Facebook notes, most of his respondents lack the decency to write something meaningful, instead preferring to clutter the page with comments such as “Thanks very much” and “The world is a better place because of you”, as if that is supposed to help anyone.

Perhaps I should intend to stop thinking everything is about me.
Nah, that doesn’t work for me.

I jokingly wrote my sister (who invited me to the challenge) and said my intention was to “rule the world”. As much as I would love to rule the entire world (and would be great at it if I so desired), I think that would be quite lonely and would take a lot of work on my part. To make matters worse, once I became Absolute Ruler of the Galaxy, what would I strive for? Plus, people who try to rule even a small corner of the world usually end up being people I despise such as Madass Insane (Saddam Hussein) and Momar Needstodie Khadafi. I hate to speak ill of the dead and I don't like to wish the living ill, but Saddam had to go and I would love for Khadafi to share a scalping cup of bad coffee in Hell with him.

Nah, Ruler of the Universe doesn’t work for me.

There should be a Week 0. Week Oh: State your intention.
I intend to …
- Become as powerful a force in the world as I can become, without having to work too hard at it.
- Become super rich, without having to sell anything or do anything.
- Be healthy, without having to watch what I eat, exercise regularly, or get enough sleep.
- Be loved by everyone, without actually having to interact with anyone on a regular basis.
- Be the smartest person alive, without having to read anything or listen to those who know more.
- Grow another 3 meters taller.

Wait a minute. I’m stuck. That last one is just a dream. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to grow anymore. I stopped growing when I almost hit 5’4”. I’ve been working so hard trying to grow another ¼ inch that I’ve neglected to grow in other directions, well except for my waist and other parts of my body I wish would shrink.

I have figured out my intentions:

I intend to grow in a positive direction.

I intend to let go of those things which I know are unattainable and instead work on those things which are. I’m never going to be 19 again. 19 was such a wonderful year. I’ve had better years (such as every year since my son was born!) but 19 was so great that Steely Dan wrote a song about it. I’m going to make 48 so great that I’ll want to write my own song about it.

I’m not going to rule the world, but I can rule my life.

I may or may not become super rich, but I can earn more money, invest more wisely, and protect my assets. I can make better choices. I intend to take control of my financial well-being.

I can have a better body today than I did at 26, and I had an awesome body at 26. I know everything I knew back then plus I’ve learned a lot since then. The only thing that has changed is my desire, so now I just have to want it. I have to change my intentions and intend to be in great shape. I intend to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

I INTEND TO REACH MY FULL POTENTIAL AS A HUMAN BEING.

Those are huge intentions. I’m up to it.

http://promos.hayhouse.com/powerofintention/contest/

MY CLUTTERED MIND

Mine is a cluttered mind, full of facts and theories, hopes and fears, logic and emotion. My thoughts swirl around so loudly in my head that I’m most surprised the noise doesn’t disturb those around me. My very sensitive husband claims that most times, he can hear the noise of my brain. My as-sensitive son concurs.

Many times I sit down to pull the thoughts out of my brain hoping that the process of writing will free me from thought, but instead the act of emptying my thoughts onto paper allows the other thoughts to rattle around more freely, generating more noise until my head wants to explode, so I have to stop writing.

Many times I sit down at the computer hoping that the act of typing will force my thoughts to flow in a disciplined manner but instead I find that I am distracted by the blinking of the cursor. It is like the lighthouse beacon, prodding my thoughts to find their way to the space where the blinker once was.

So I stop writing, not because I have nothing to say but because I have so much to say and it feels as thought the thoughts will never end. If I thought my thoughts were worth sharing I would not be so disturbed but instead I read what I wrote and I think, “What was I thinking?”

Why do I think the things I think? I wonder how many people think as often or as deeply as I do, but more often I wish I could one of those people who think less.

So I google “cluttered mind” and discover that there are many who too, think too much, but that does not make me feel less alone. I naturally align myself more with Albert Einstein than the tattoo artist from Florida, but chances are that we are all three alike. That takes my thoughts to an entirely different situation which reminds me of a show my spouse taped for me on Attention Deficit Disorder. The show was close to 2-hrs so naturally I didn’t watch it all (though the portions I saw where done quite well!) but I know it was an excellent piece of work for one of the noted experts was Dr. Edward Hallowell, a man whose writings helped me understand far more of myself than my previous therapists. [In fact, as soon as Dr. Hallowell was showcased I stopped watching the show to get his book off the shelf, which according to my spouse is evidence of my ADHDI, as if we really needed more evidence.]

This is my cluttered mind. I start out thinking one thought and planning to go in one direction but I rarely end up at my destination. When I have something absolutely critical to think about I pull out my poster which has served me well for several decades. It reads, “FOCUS”.

I sat down to write about my emotions and why I haven’t been around much, but that was far too difficult a subject for today. I will save that for tomorrow, tomorrow.

Continuation

The problem with new beginnings is that it automatically implies an ending. Not much has changed about me since I was that little girl skipping to School #5 in Baltimore, Maryland. I am the same little girl, only larger and better informed. Yesterday as I was trying to explain the concept of infinity to my son, I realized that I still think many of the same thoughts, such as wondering how language came to be and if infinity truly is the largest number. How does one approach negative infinity? Despite my many years of formal education and so-called superior intellect, I fell back on the same explanation my oldest brother gave to me when I was a mere seven ... "think of the largest number you can think of and then add one".

To me infinity will always be "plus one". So, I don't do new beginnings because I can't let go of who I was yesterday in order to become who I want to be tomorrow.

Every time I say I'm going to change, my husband laughs, as I can only imagine that God also chuckles, if only just a wee bit. I say I'm going to be kinder, more compassionate, and less intolerant but that usually lasts less than a fleeting instant. I don't think I'm mean, but I know I am not kind. My mind doesn't see what my heart should feel. Being me, I've read several books on the subject and I can probably explain how the symphony in my brain has a conductor that can't quite seem to get all the instruments to play together, but you would have had to have read the book to know what I am talking about. I could explain how my neurons misfire in such a manner that I'm missing that pause between "think" and "do", but unless you are well verses in impulsivity, you'll just think it's Karen rambling on again. Instead, suffice it to say that I'm tired of trying to rewire my brain. As much as I enjoyed biofeedback, e-stem, psychological counseling, and other attempts to mold me into society definition of "normal", I'm not going to change.

If I were to change, who is to say it would be in a positive direction?

My Space

This is my space.

People who piss me off will be blocked.

Stupid people will be ridiculed.

Criminals will be exposed.

If you don't like it, too bad. Start your own space and talk about me.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Did I Do Anything to Make the World a Better Place Today?

Did I do anything today to make the world a better place? I don't know. I probably inspired four or five people, but why didn't I reach out to four hundred or five thousand?

I read a book, "The Good Black" by Paul M. Barrett. I grabbed it on my way out of the house because I couldn't find "The Mis-Education of the Negro", which I am re-reading for the third or fourth time. [If I were as smart as everyone thinks I am, I would have gotten it by the second go-round, but like "Go Rin No Sho" I go back to that book and although the pages seem familiar, I don't know these books as well as I know some of my other favorites such as "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People", "The Goal", "Jonathan Livingston Seagull", and of course "Fox in Socks".]

I hugged my son. He hugged me back. That always makes my world a better place. I know I shouldn't watch television and I usually don't, but this season I had to watch "Celebrity Apprentice" with HollyRod and Brett Michaels. We DVR'ed it and watched it as a family and used it as a teaching tool for the Bear. That Donald Trump is something else, and I saw in that show many of the mistakes I was committing and identified several of my gifts which I was not fully utilizing, so like Darryl Strawberry, I am grateful to have learned from "The Donald", even if my learning was filtered and controlled. I still remember the first time I went into one of his establishments. I was mesmerized with his attention to detail and his demand for perfection. I truly admire that. Hugging our son was great.

I stood up for right, at least twice. I opened someone's eyes to what was going on around them. I got involved in political debates with people who had opposing views as well as came to the defense of those who share my views. I helped an anonymous child simply because he needed my help. I think I made his world a better place.

I did the right thing instead of the easy thing or the fun thing simply because it was the right thing to do.

I've probably accomplished more than 96% of the general working population, but before this afternoon I could never understand why I couldn't seem to crack that 97th percentile. That's my glass ceiling. Then it dawned on me that I was not engaged. I was not passionate.

I used to think that I wasn't doing my part, but someone explained that all I was doing was my part. That's probably not the message they intended to send, but that is how I interpreted it. I am doing my part, but I am strong enough that I need to be showing others and encouraging others to do their part as well.

I must not only become part of the solution, but I must drive the solution. This is the fourth post I have written today, but the first time I've thought anything that truly mattered.

I've been quite diligent about praying in the morning and at evening, and I have found that my quiet time with God works well for me, especially when I share them with the Bear, even if that means I have to pray twice in the morning and twice at night since we are not on the same sleep schedule. [If I were as smart as I think everyone thinks I am, I probably should have been able to so the math and figure out that I'm praying at least four times per day, but I'm an engineer, not a mathematician!]

(After I post my "When I Was Younger I Wanted to Be A ..." that last comment will make more sense.)

Did you do anything to make any part of the world a better place?

Dashed Hopes

I had such high hopes of making the world a better place, but I have slowly accepted the inescapable reality that I am not that person.

Another Day Just Like Yesterday

I know right from wrong which paralyzes me because I don't want to do right but I refuse to do wrong.

WAKE UP PEOPLE

After referring to many cases in which the court had exercised authority beyond their rightful powers, Judge Seymour D. Thompson in an address before the Bar Association of Texas in 1896 (30 Am. Law Rev., 678) said:

There is danger, real danger, that the people will see at one sweeping glance that all the powers of their governments, Federal and State, lie at the feet of us lawyers—that is to say, at the feet of a judicial oligarchy; that those powers are being steadily exercised in behalf of the wealthy and powerful classes and to the prejudice of the scattered and segregated people; that the power thus seized includes the power of amending the Constitution; the power of superintending the action, not merely of Congress, but also of the State legislature; the power of degrading the powers of the [ 19 ] two houses of Congress, in making those investigations which they may deem necessary to wise legislation, to the powers which an English court has ascribed to British colonial legislatures; the power of superintending the judiciary of the States, of annulling their judgments and of commanding them what judgments to render; the power of denying to Congress the power to raise revenue by a method employed by all governments; making the fundamental sovereign powers of government, such as the power of taxation, the subject of mere barter between corrupt legislatures and private adventurers; holding that a venal legislature temporarily invested with power may corruptly bargain away those essential attributes of sovereignty, and for all time; that corporate franchises bought from corrupt legislatures are sanctified and placed forever beyond recall by the people; that great trusts and combinations may place their yoke upon the necks of people of the United States, who must groan forever under their weight, without remedy and without hope; that trial by jury and the ordinary criminal justice of the State which ought to be kept near the people are to be set aside and Federal court injunctions substituted therefor; that those injunctions extend to preventing laboring men from quitting their employment, although they are liable to be discharged by their employers at any hour, thus creating and perpetuating a state of slavery. There is danger that the people will see these things all at once; see their enrobed judges doing their thinking on the side of the rich and powerful; see them look with solemn cynicism upon the sufferings of the masses nor heed the earthquake when it begins to rock beneath their feet; see them present a spectacle not unlike that of Nero fiddling while Rome burns. There is danger that the people will see all this at one sudden glance, and that the furies will then break loose, and that all hell will ride on their wings.

Here we are, more than 110-years later, still believing in a system which is designed to help the rich get richer, the powerful get more powerful, and the people get screwed. I'm wondering what it's going to take for people to wake up.

Fine Line Between Love and Hate

Ten things I love about America:
1. I can go from sea to shining sea and only have to speak English, except of course if I'm in Los Angeles or Miami.

2. When I am stopped by the police, I will live to complain about it. (Most of the time.)

3. I can drink the water without getting immediately ill.

4. No one is setting off bombs in the middle of the street ... most days anyway.

5. I won't be murdered for voting in a general election. I might be ridiculed, but very unlikely to be murdered.

6. Education is free and compulsory.

7. I can pursue happiness. Even if I don't attain it, I can pursue it. If I change my mind about what makes me happy, I am free to stop pursuing the one and start pursuing the other.

8. We are all cowboys, but yet we somehow always end up rooting for the Indians. (No offense to my Native American friends and family members.)

9. It is relatively easy to get fresh fruits and vegetables.

10. Last but certainly not least, I am free to worship or not to worship as I see fit.

I tried to find things I hate about my country, but I can't. If you cut me, I bleed red, white and blue. There are things I don't like about this country, but hate is much too strong a word so I will call this section:

Ten things I'm not too crazy about in America:
1. The legacy of slavery lives on. I am a Black person in Orange County, California so I have less rights than every other non-Black person in Orange County, California.

2. I love the world. Some Americans have a hard to draw the distinction between loving the world and hating my country, but that is because our borders insulate us. We should get out more.

3. People fail to appreciate the responsibility of freedom. The right to act freely comes with a responsibility to be accountable for your actions.

4. Civil courts aren't civil. Judges are fallible and lawyers are paid to manipulate the system. I do think our legal system is infinitely fairer than the alternatives which makes it that much harder to be unhappy with it.

5. Cigarettes are legal in places where trans fats have been banned.

6. America is soft on crime whereas I have a more draconian view towards criminality. I believe in capital punishment for murderers, rapists and those who intentionally harm children. I think people who steal should be disfigured so they can be easily identified. Bring back the scarlet letter.

7. The media drives too much of our political and social agenda. I won't ask, won't tell, and don't care. So long as you don't involve me or hurt my interests, your personal choices are just that: personal and a choice. If, however, you decide you want to care for my children, parents or self-interest in any capacity, then I will ask, expect an answer, and care.

8. The twenty largest cities drive too much of our economic and social agenda. We have forgotten that rural America is still America. More Americans need to see this great country so they will realize that America is not homeless people at the L.A. Mission or children shooting children, but a place where families gather around and children go fishing in a creek. We have lost sight of what is important, which is our people.

9. We have inferior tequila, scotch, vodka and coffee ... all my favorite drinks in no particular order (though coffee is by far and away my favorite).

10. Last and certainly the thing that irks me the most about our country: with all of our wealth and abundance, with all that we have been blessed with, with all the beauty that exists from coast-to-coast, we usually take the low road.

America is a great idea. It is one worth fighting for and protecting. We are all responsible for building a nation. Go do your part and know that I will do mine.

Ask For the Right Things

How many times have you been asked to make a wish for something and then wasted your wish on the wrong thing?

That happened to me earlier today. Someone challenged me to make a wish as if my one wish would be granted and I thought long and hard about what has been troubling over the past few months and tried to be very specific in my wish lest I leave a loophole in my request.

I didn't think about it at the time for it was just a silly wish, but now it's all I can think about. When I made the wish, my husband was out of the house and I just assumed that everything would be okay and that he'd be home around 6pm and we'd have our normal evening together. At 5 pm I started looking for him and that's when I realized that I made the wrong wish. All I really want is for him to be here with me -- okay, healthy, happy, here. That's all I really want.

Now it's 6:51 pm and he is not at home. I can't reach him and I don't know where he is so of course I'm worried. I can't think about what we're going to do tomorrow until I get through my today.

Next time I make a wish, I know what it will be. Every time I make a wish I know what it will be ... for the people I love the most to stay healthy. I wish that I could hug my parents today for it's been too many years since I've last hugged them. I wish to sit around the table with my family and watch my nieces and nephews (and grandnephews and niece) play.

But most of all, I wish David Sr. would walk through the door right now.

I Wonder Why America Is Losing The War on Terrorism

WARNING: I AM VIOLATING MY OWN RULE THAT HATRED WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.

Before I finish looking backwards, I have to look around. I'm seeing "peace officers" being shot, judges going to jail, people trying to blow our airplanes out of the sky, and I wonder why. I have lots of time to wonder and study.

Yesterday I had a two-hour lunch with a Kenyan gentleman who shared his plight with me. He has three children ages 11 to 15 who speak English, French and their native tongue. They came to this country in search of a better life, but unfortunately they ended up in Costa Mesa. The teachers ridicule his children for speaking English with an accent yet teach the Hispanic students in Spanish because our school system does not require students to be bilingual.

Three Black Kenyans who speak multiple languages including English are spat at, ridiculed and harassed on a daily basis by many Hispanic students who only speak Spanish, and our system not only allows it but suspends the Kenyan students when they complain. I suggested that he move his children to another school. Where he is from he does not have that luxury, but here in America, he is free to choose. His eyes lit up in astonishment at this mere suggestion. I gave him my permission to be free.


I love my country, but sometimes I feel as though my country does not love me, so I wonder why?

Why do I love my country? I look at the history of this country and I know that I have given much more than I have received. I know that I had to fight like hell to force this country to accept my gifts and fight even harder for the few gifts I have received in return. How does that make me any different from every other good American? In my opinion, the great Americans are the ones that gave all to this country, the ones who laid down their lives so that my son can walk free. Who am I to demand anything from this country? The land provides me with food, the lakes provide me with water, the woods provide me with logs for lumber to make shelter. If anything, I owe this country much for what it has given me.

Why do I love my country? I know my country hates me. They hate my Black skin, my kinky hair, my Black husband, and my Black son. They hate my Black parents, my Black siblings, my Black friends and my Black enemies. They hate me when I am ignorant but hate me even more when I am educated. They hate me when I am weak but hate me even more when I am strong. They hate me when I am unarmed but really hate me when I am armed.

They hate me. Why do I love my country? I love this country because despite their hatred towards me and people who look like me, this country demands that I get educated, demands that I am given equal opportunity, demands that I be protected from predators, allows me to participate freely in its political process and its institution, gives me access to quality medical care, and defends my right to complain about how poorly I am treated. Despite their hatred for me, this country does more for me than countries that love their citizenry. That is why I love this country that hates me.

I don't love my country blindly the way I used to when I was young; it's a mature love and deep admiration than only comes once you get to know a country. I still believe in the idea of America so I continue to fight for my country.

God Bless America.

DARE TO BELIEVE IN A PERFECT WORLD

What better time than at the very beginning of a new decade should we dare to believe in a perfect world?

What better time than now should we decide that poverty, disease, greed, and suffering are not inevitable?

What better person than you to heal the world?

DARE TO BELIEVE

WORK TO ACHIEVE

I'm still looking backwards to see my way forward. Ten years from now, I'd like to look back and not see War. I'd like to look back and not see famine, genocide, and destruction.

Who are our believers? Who are our achievers?

Looking Backwards Before Looking Forward (Part 1)

2010. A new decade. We made it through the first decade of the 21st century, my sixth decade on this Earth. How’s it been so far?

We’ve made it through the 60’s …The assassination of John F. Kennedy Jr., Malcolm X, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and Robert F. Kennedy. We made it through social upheaval in the United States, The Cuban Missile Crisis, The Six Day War between Egypt and Israel, Vietnam. The U.S.A. survived the British Invasion -- The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, and The Who and established our own sound, The Motown Sound. Despite everything, we put men on the moon and thirty-two African countries gained independence.

We made it through the 70’s …We endured through Watergate, school bussing, disco and gasoline shortages. Mother Africa endured multiple conflicts including Idi Amin initiating the Ugandan-Tanzanian War, the brutality of the South African police resulting in the Soweto Uprising and the Angolan Civil War. Pakistanis hijacked four airliners in 1970 and then initiated the Indo-Pakistani War of 1971, while Palestinians kidnapped and murdered Israeli athletes from the 1972 Olympics in Munich. Augusto Pinochet came to power, much to the detriment of Chile. We saw the end of the Vietnam War, which resulted in the fall of Saigon, about as far from a victory as one could imagine. Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge didn’t help matters. Saddam Hussein began his rise to power but the U.S.A. was preoccupied with the Shah of Iran and the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini. Despite everything, we created personal computer, calculators, microwave ovens and VCRs and the Soviets started flying space stations.

We made it through the 80’s. Ronald Reagan declared “War on Drugs” and Nancy Reagan encouraged us all the “Just Say No”. The meltdown at Chernobyl changed the world’s opinion about nuclear power. AIDS changed the political, moral, social, and medical landscape. Africa remained in turmoil, but all eyes were on Ethiopia and the famine which killed more than one million. The South African Border War ended after thirty years of conflict between Angola, Namibia, and Zambia. Jean-Claude “Baby-Doc” Duvalier was overthrown in Haiti while war raged between Iraq and Iran in the Middle East. We saw the Lebanese War, Falklands Conflict, Polish Uprising, First Intifada in the Gaza Strip, Soviet-Afghan War, Tiananmen Square, and Vietnam-Cambodia conflicts. Assignations and assignation attempts were plentiful norm including the attempt on Ronald Reagan (March 1981), the attempt on Pope John Paul II (May 1981), Anwar Sadat (Egypt, October 1981), Indira Ganhi (India, October 1984), an attempt on Margaret Thatcher (Britain, 1984) and Olof Palme (Sweden, February 1986). Airplanes were regularly blown out of the sky, and the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded, taking David’s cousin Ron McNair and Carnegie Mellon’s xxx. The Berlin Wall came down. We limped out of the 80’s, with the toxins from the Bhopal disaster still in our lungs and the oil from the Exxon Valdez on our backs, but Nintendo was there to save us.

(end of Part 1.)

The Books I Didn't Write (but should have)

My previous goals were to START a book but now my goal is to FINISH a book. In no particular order, these are the ones I'm leaving behind to FINISH the one I'm working on.


"The Economics of Irrational Thought and Illogical Reasoning"

"Outright Lies and Foolish Dares"

"Half-truths and Outright Perjury"

"The Logical Way of Putting It From the Republican Side"

"Evolution of Warfare"

"An Introduction to Information Warfare"

"I'd Rather Be Me Than Reasonable"

"Flowers in the Middle of Shit"

"There Are Some Things That Even Satan Wouldn't Do"

"Pretending to Be Interested in Others"

"Lessons From An Idiot"

"I Was So Very Small" (My feeble attempt at poetry. Be thankful I quit without sharing.)

Intolerance and Impatience

Today I hope for intolerance and impatience.

If you see hatred or bigotry, do not tolerate it. Be intolerant. Be indignant. Take a stand for what is right.

If your child is rude to another or misspells a word, correct them.

If your elected representative fails to look out for the best interest of your community or the world, call them on it. Write, call, text … make your displeasure known. Support a better candidate.

If your child cannot read, do not wait for their next report card. Take your child’s narrow behind (or wide behind if that be the case) to the library. Read to them, with them, for them. Make flash cards. Turn off the television and take away the electronics. Require reading.

If you are in the store and the clerk decides to pay more attention to another worker, remind that clerk that their employer and its suppliers and their customer are depending on that person doing their job to the best of their ability at all times.

If you see someone throw litter on the street, admonish them. If you can’t admonish them and stay safe, at least pick it up. Do not allow the trash to remain.

If someone you love is abusing drugs or alcohol, tell them how their behavior is affecting you. Be firm. Do not tolerate their bad behavior in your presence.

If you are lonely, be a friend. Do not patiently wait for a friend to find you. Go outside of yourself and make it happen.

Be intolerant and impatient today. Make something good happen.

Day 14. Did I Ever Get Out of the Station?

Day 14 and nowhere near the end of my journey. This journey reminds me of pretty much everything else in my life. I lose focus. I end up at the wrong place and even though it's usually a very nice place to be, it's not where I intended to go.

I was supposed to hope for something everyday, but I did not do that. It didn't have to be the same thing, but it could have been. It didn't have to be something large or even attainable. All I was supposed to do was hope. But I didn't. Instead, I was me and questioned everything and tried to dissect hope so that I could understand it.

Is hope really dead in me? Just thinking that thought makes me sad. I can't imagine my life without hope. Perhaps it is just the opposite. Perhaps I hope so much and dream so big that trying to quantify it is what is stifling me.

So now I'm at a crossroads. Do I stick to my arbitrary deadline of 14-days for this journey or do I stay on the hopeful train and ride it to the end? I don't see where this is going, but does it even have to go anywhere?

Can I just hope for hope's sake?

Day 13. One More Day And Then What?

One more day on this journey of hope. This is hopefully my next to last post about the topic. Talk about your roller coaster ride. I'm glad I'm not being graded. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I choose the topic. In fact, I had several columns written on that first day, but none of them were posted. There were:

- "Hope Needs a Back-up Plan" (and the corollary "My Spouse is My Back-up Plan")
- "With Hope Comes Disappointment"
- "Do Smart People Hope?"

and my favorite:

- "Is Hope Only for Christians?"

One more day on this journey of hope. The two things I hoped for have not come to pass. Many other wonderful things have come my way but the two things I hoped for never materialized. Things I dared not dreamed came true thanks to people I had no idea were paying attention. (Thanks GT and MI.) Has hope worked for me? I don't know. Although my faith in humanity has been restored by the kindness of many, I'm seeing things through a different lens right now.

What I need is a conservative treaty of hope and courage – a way of honestly distilling historical wisdom through the lenses of modernity, of integrating new insights into the growing structure of law, ethics,and morality of restoring a passionate service to God to the center of my spiritual concern. Rather than worrying about whether I am of any religious persuasion, let me create my own agenda based on whether I am true to my understanding of God’s will, my own take on God's plan for me.

I'm right back where I started. Hope is for dreamers. I plan, I research, I analyze, and I evaluate but I rarely dream. David's dreams are big enough for the both of us. Perhaps that is God's plan for me. Perhaps I did "waste" years going to school just so I would be strong enough and wise enough to heal and raise our son. Perhaps I am only here not to become great but to remind others of their potential for greatness.

If you are reading this, then I give you my permission to become as great as you can dream. You have my permission to change the world. That is my hope, but I still have one more day on this journey.

Day 12. Still wondering

Hope.

The more I think about it, the less sense it makes.

The scientist in me is taking over.

Hope and despair are both just emotions.

Neither makes sense to me.

Control. That's an action. That makes sense.

DAY 11

Sometimes all it takes to keep a hitting streak going is to swing at the ball.